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Looking For My Father

  

As a child of nine years old, I first recall watching my father beat up
and curse my mother. This became a natural thing in my home. I was the baby
of ten children, five who remain alive today. My father was a railroader,
who worked very hard and drank even harder. His few months in prison as a
teenager, brought him much grief because of the sexual cruelty forced upon
him. This may of been the reason for such fierce outburst of anger, and
mental cruelty that we faced as a family. We moved from the city into a
place of seclusion, away from people. It was called the farm and there
life was hard.

My mother who had been tortured mentally and beaten had become weakened,
her health slowly leaving her. But she remained loyal to my father. I
worked hard in the fields and still looking for acceptance with my
father. But he was busy working hard, and keeping us fed. The alcohol that
flooded him begun to overflow, the side affects became harsher.

His nights out with the women and then came the affects of him physically
touching me. I told my mother and it stopped. Now it was even harder to
reach in and find my father. The alcohol had begun to eat at his liver. DT
had set in and we were standing near his side, as he hallucinated for six
weeks. He was being tormented and I begun to see the spiritual demonic
around him. Through these growing up years, life was a lesson of pain,
fear, a slow torture of the demonic!

I got born-again in a dry Baptist church, and God walked thru my life with
lessons of spiritual warfare! My sisters and brother's were my friends and
we all stayed close, but they grew up and out of the home. We moved again
and the shame of not having my own room as a child and the hard work just
taxed me as a young woman. I could not find acceptance of myself. Fear set
in the day that my father touched me physically, and getting close was
blocked. We all were older now and I went running to find real love, but
only through my body. I got married and it lasted one year, not my kind I said.

My mother now had given all the love that she had, she was my best friend,
and now I watch as she lays dyeing, I got too see her last breath taken
and I remember when that was gone, I said, "She just met Jesus. My life
was crushed. I seen a beautiful, loving mother go .I was all alone. Then I
started looking: And always I looked for the men who had nothing to give
me but sex, and drugs! I was looking for love, and sex was my outlet! And
of course the mental, and physical abusive was welcomed by me. My first
child was born, my daughter. She has never seen her father, he was an
ex-felon who done time (ten years) in prison for murder of two men. But I
had this Love to give and it would change him I know. But reality soon
came, my world once again fell in when he up and left," hit and run" were
my men of choice. But my heart cried out, for Love. Relationships came and
went, always mental abusive, and never ever lasting. I was the giver and
they took! Another man entered my world and I married him. We worked hard
together, and I had a son. We moved to another state, and there I got the
phone call my father, he was ill, and I knew in my heart that this would
be the last time to ever talk to him. The words I said was daddy forgive
yourself and forgive me. He made peace and I mourned deeply from the next
call. DADDY is dead. A man so tormented and abused himself, finally got to
rest, making peace with Jesus. My marriage this I knew would last forever,
but then suddenly. I saw the work of the enemy and it begun to divide the
home. The first heart attack, then the second, then the third, my
husband's health had begun to get intense. He was weakening. I seen the
anointing on him, I shared in the power of the Lord, but Suddenly! Our
first home ever after 14 years of marriage, we were loosing it, we were
loosing our business we had just started. We were loosing our kids. My
daughter on drugs and running wild, my step-son and son withdrawing with
anxiety and fear! I cried unto the Lord!

Hell flooded my home, with fear. Fear that my husband would leave us
again, as he had done two times before. God had told my husband these
words, "Tarry not with the world, My kingdom is at hand. But it did not
make sense then, God had just given me the name of my ministry He was
leading me in. Forerunner Ministry and I knew it would be a patch on my
leather vest. He left us!!!! Then he returned, only for a time. The one I
trusted, I loved, I helped so very hard to please. Once Again! The phone
call from my daughter, He left us mom! I run home to two frightened
children, and I was devastated. We lost our home, and I lost my heart. I
cannot express the depth of PAIN that tormented me for the next year! It
was all gone, nothing mattered. I thought of suicide and the whiskey
tasted better this time. Bible in one hand, alcohol and pain in the
other. The church was there, but the people were farther away in them than
my husband was. Did they really care? You could not talk to them, and if
you did they would give you clique words and that was no use to me. I was
hurting and wanted comfort! All I knew is that I could not reach them
because they were too busy for God.

I needed love, and stopped looking in those places! I fell into depths of
mental torture. It consumed me. I could not let go of the fact that I had
lost everything, Everything that I loved, either dies or runs!! My two
children were my mainstay. Fear stayed and I held on for the ride. I
worked hard and tried to cope. My job of two years suddenly laid me off.
Fear was my side partner, it would not leave.

I begun to hear the Lord talk of forgiveness. I was bitter at the Lord,
for the first time. I like a child kicked at the couch one day and told
Him what I thought. Alcohol numbed me and it felt good, but the holy
spirit wooed me to himself.

I tried to reach out to the church, I wanted to know more. But I how cold
it is in there, I was the odd one out. I heard songs sung about how they
love the world, and let the sinner come in. Well I came in tired, abused,
and hurting. I left, tired, abuse, hurting, and with a sense that I would
listen to the Lord myself and did not need this acceptance. Through this
time I learned to forgive. Jesus told me that He would be with me, and He
stayed true. He shared with me that I must forgive my husband and his
mistresses. It took sometime for me, but one day the Lord gentle showed me
my sins, and how he forgave me. He told me not to share the gospel until I
had learned to forgive. I knew then that I had to forgive. This took time,
and as I did, I became "Free", and I learned to pray with and for my
husband. I prayed with his women, and know now that the work of the Lord
has not been in vain in my life. I have seen how that my ministry of
Forerunner has not died, but has been in training. I was looking for my
father, and I have begun to find Him.

I know that those early years of training were stepping stones to free
others! Dealing with rejection, lust, alcohol, drugs, and hate in people's
life's, they too need Forgiveness, and Love.  It set me free. I see the
hurting in the streets, in the church, on the job. It is everywhere!

Now from out of depths of pain that I experienced, the depths of Love has
taken it's place.

I FOUND MY FATHER, JESUS is LORD!

Deanna Moore
litebearer@uswest.net
Forerunner Ministry
 

 

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