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My Struggle With Pornography


I might as well start at the beginning. Thankfully, I had been born into a loving family with Christian parents. I had accepted Christ at an early age, but I never sincerely did anything about it. I was a "casual Christian", I looked like a Christian on the outside, but inside I was hurting and searching. I only let God control part of my life and not all of it. 

I never did drugs, steal, or swear, I knew better. I had been taught to shy away from those things. But there was one area that I had never received a lesson in. And that area was pornography. And the devil used that to his advantage. It first began as a curiosity. I kept telling myself, "Oh it's just once, it won't hurt." And I bought into that lie. My family had bought a home PC and the Internet, so I had easy access. A couple words, a click, and my lust and desires were filled. But it soon became an obsession, and I was hooked. 

At this time I was going to a Christian school and almost done the 8th grade. Things were Ok. I was living a sheltered life; my parents did a good job protecting me from the temptations of the world. But through pornography, the devil had successfully pierced that net of protection. Pornography was so easy to access that fulfilling my desires for more soon became an obsession, and I was spiraling deeper into sin. Then came my years of High School. I thank God that I didn't do any other stupid things during that time that I would regret later, but I was still hooked on my one big black sin. It was getting worse. I soon became very distant and very rarely came out of my shell to socialize and share. I stopped going to youth groups, not only because I was concentrating on filling my lustful desires, but also because I was scared to go out into the world, a side-effect. I would always look for times when I was home alone or when no one was looking. I was even caught a couple times by my parents and my mom tried to confront me, I know I hurt her a lot through my sin. But Thanks to God, he intervened. 

There was a summer Bible Camp that I had always gone to every year. It was a welcome change from the distractive City-Life; it was someplace I could focus on my Spiritual Life. But I had never really done anything there accept have fun, and sleep through the church services. I had found them boring. But after many years of looking at pornography I had began to look for a way out, I didn't want to do it anymore, but yet I still fulfilled my desires. I was lost and I was searching for God. As most teenagers, I was beginning to ask, "Who am I? And What am I going to do?". But God found me, and touched my heart in a way I never thought was possible, and I knew then that God was working in my life. And I truly became a Christian then, I believe. I wanted to live for God. I now had the passion and ambition. This was the year I was to begin grade 12. 

But I was still hooked on pornography. That summer was a welcome change from my spiraling life, but I was still struggling, I went back to my life of sin. The next year at Bible Camp, the Lord touched me again. And this time even deeper. Thankfully, the youth speaker that week had talked about the issue of Pornography, and that's when I felt totally ashamed of what I was doing. I wanted to give this sin to God and forget about it forever, but I just wouldn't let go. For some strange reason I still wanted to lust, but yet I didn't. There was an inner struggle for my soul. 

Throughout the next year, as I finished High school and was thinking about the rest of my life, my life was up and down. Still struggling with my big black sin, still! Then I heard about Godswork.org and I signed up for the newsletters. I skimmed through the encouragement and Inspiration pages regularly, and they filled my soul with hope. 

But I remember clearly, one day I went to look through The Testimony pages, and I just happen to run across this testimony named "Brought Out of the Mud", and he talked about his own personal struggle with pornography. I decided to check it out, and Lo and Behold! I began reading MY Life Testimony. It was like looking through a mirror, it was amazing. I was totally in shock. Here was a guy probably living halfway across the world who was having the exact same struggle that I was having, and it was like a veil over my eyes had been lifted. It touched my heart in a way never felt before. And I know now that it was God who led me to read that man's Testimony. Because it changed my life forever. God really does work in mysterious ways. 

I no longer have the will and desire to look at pornography, I am 100% pornography-free. But my sin is not without its consequences. It made me look at women in a lustful way, and I wasted most of my teen-life. I still await University as my next big challenge, but I know God will continue to work in me, like he did in this testimony. I still have my temptations to look at pornography, but I know better now. It is not bad to be tempted, for even Jesus was tempted in the desert 3 times (Luke 4:1-13), but he did not give in to his desires. If we are tempted, we should run from those temptations. Not TO them. "Oh Just once, it won't hurt."... yeah, well. That was 6 years ago.


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